When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.