@CyrusOMerican

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

@CyrusOMerican

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

@CyrusOMerican

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

@CyrusOMerican

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.