I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
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I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?