ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
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The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”