Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
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There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I’m confused about plants
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
A leaf blower, but for people.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.