A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.