Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
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Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile