The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
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Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Attacked by a mop.