One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
You Might Also Like
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.