Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
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TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I thought this was funny lol
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope