[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
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*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Me too door. Me too.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Lmao
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.