Pizza will never tell you you’re fat unless you’re high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
If you’re a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don’t have to sell you anything.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.
When I momentarily lack the ability to articulate my thoughts and use a preposition instead.
“Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you’re trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train.”
– My Dad
Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30’s sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.
We never really turn the phones off.
@BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.
I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.