@DaHess1
Pizza will never tell you you’re fat unless you’re high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
@DaHess1
@DaHess1
If you’re a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don’t have to sell you anything.
@DaHess1
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
@DaHess1
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.
@DaHess1
When I momentarily lack the ability to articulate my thoughts and use a preposition instead.
That.
@DaHess1
“Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you’re trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train.”
– My Dad
@DaHess1
Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30’s sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.
@DaHess1
Dear Airlines,
We never really turn the phones off.
Signed,
Everyone
@DaHess1
@BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.
@DaHess1
I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.