God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”