Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
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my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Noah
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions