Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
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My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
i choose….tongue
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Monday
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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