@Dad_At_Law

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

@Dad_At_Law

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

@Dad_At_Law

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

@Dad_At_Law

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

@Dad_At_Law

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

@Dad_At_Law

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

@Dad_At_Law

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

@Dad_At_Law

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

@Dad_At_Law

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

@Dad_At_Law

Told my daughter to clean her bedroom closet so she walked over, shut the door and said, “Ta-da,” like some kind of 4th grade HGTV star.