Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.