*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
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To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Lmao 🤣
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”