Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask