I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
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Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.