photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.