what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
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Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
that colleague who touches your screen
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better