Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.