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Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Inside you there are two wolves
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Awwwww shit.