*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
You Might Also Like
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Pretty much! 😂👀