I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
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KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day