friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
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My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.