Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?