I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”