MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
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Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.