*looks at you in batman voice*
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My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️