*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
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To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup