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Page of DanMentos's best tweets

@DanMentos : me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

@DanMentos: mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

@DanMentos: me: my horse won't eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he's a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don't even have a horse do you

@DanMentos: *wife icing waiter's jaw while I talk to the police*
"I thought he said boner petite"

@DanMentos: "Is this a date? This feels like a date" -blind guy at a farmers market

@DanMentos: interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

@DanMentos: Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got "Which buzzfeed quiz are you?"

@DanMentos: for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

@DanMentos: me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

@DanMentos: “Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and