my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market