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Page of DanMentos's best tweets

@DanMentos : *wife icing waiter's jaw while I talk to the police*
"I thought he said boner petite"

@DanMentos: "Is this a date? This feels like a date" -blind guy at a farmers market

@DanMentos: interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

@DanMentos: Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got "Which buzzfeed quiz are you?"

@DanMentos: for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

@DanMentos: me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

@DanMentos: “Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

@DanMentos: eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can't ask for more shots

@DanMentos: I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

@DanMentos: [laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep