“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”