“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators