Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.