The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.