Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.