Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
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I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…