Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!