This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
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Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
tell em, edith-anne
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages