I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
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The French cow says MEUX…
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*