I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.