[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
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I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He鈥檚 in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Can you even call yourself a family if you鈥檙e not making at least one person upset with what you鈥檙e serving for dinner?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me: Hi! I鈥檓 here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That鈥檚 the one.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.馃榿
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That鈥檚 suspicious
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqu茅
Wife: You mean risqu茅?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I鈥檓 pretty sure I鈥檓 right
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I have gained 8lbs and even though I鈥檝e eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys