boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
You Might Also Like
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
🤣😈🤣
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?