[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
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Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.