I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.