@Darlainky

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

@Darlainky

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

@Darlainky

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

@Darlainky

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

@Darlainky

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

@Darlainky

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

@Darlainky

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

@Darlainky

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

@Darlainky

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

@Darlainky

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”