@Darlainky

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

@Darlainky

Poetry is hard enough but damn haiku got me over here counting syllables and shit.

@Darlainky

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

@Darlainky

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

@Darlainky

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

@Darlainky

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

@Darlainky

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

@Darlainky

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

@Darlainky

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

@Darlainky

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.