@Darlainky : Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can't. There's a high pollen alert right now.
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@Darlainky: The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
@Darlainky: God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
@Darlainky: “No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
@Darlainky: Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I'll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know...the drill.
@Darlainky: Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
@Darlainky: Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You're so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
@Darlainky: A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
@Darlainky: [Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!