Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Darlainky's best tweets

@Darlainky : Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can't. There's a high pollen alert right now.

@Darlainky: The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

@Darlainky: God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

@Darlainky: “No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

@Darlainky: Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I'll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know...the drill.

@Darlainky: Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

@Darlainky: Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You're so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

@Darlainky: A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

@Darlainky: [Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!