[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.