Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.