You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.